Today I sit staring at two passports. I am incredibly grateful to be in the position to hold two passports. I certainly am not frowning upon the privilege I have, but privilege comes with a bit of turmoil. Turmoil is probably a little excessive, but it comes with choice and sometimes we stand at a crossroads and we’re not sure what path to take.
My friends really pulled out the stops this trip home. They reminded me what true belonging is. Those moments when you can be you, they show you genuine support and care. Then they throw a whole heap of laughter over the top. One minute you’re laughing hysterically before balling like an absolute mess questioning why you live on the other side of the planet.
Today I have been digesting that thought. Why do I live in Australia? It is an incredible country, a beautiful adventurous terrain that I fell in love with at 20 years old. I remember sitting on the coach and just looking out to the red vastness of this astounding place. I wanted to explore every last inch of her and I didn’t want to leave a stone unturned.
I have made wonderful friends there and a piece of my heart is definitely in Australia. I think the adventurous spirit and the awe I feel every day of the possibilities of exploring has become lonely. And so I will quote some lines from Bastille:
‘Will you be my future or just an escape?
Those nights when your friends are gone
When you’re holding on for someone to leave with’
I will preach about belonging, and I will always own who I am and be incredibly honest to a fault. Some people can handle that and others can not. It takes time and an incredible investment of energy to form friendships, and you make mistakes along the way. And I am feeling incredibly raw today, it could equally be a bout of hangxiety.
However, how do you know where you belong? How do you know where your future is? How do you know the difference between running away and running home?
I like to think I am a bad ass single female. I don’t need someone to complete me. But I do believe in romance, I wouldn’t have travelled half way across the world to share my parents ruby wedding anniversary, if I didn’t have that cheesy core of wanting to share their joy in finding someone you can spend that amount of time with, and still want to wake up every day with them.
I watch with pride the relationship my sister has with her wife. The care, the teamwork and the life they have built. They reflect a lot of what my parents built: strong friendships through encouraging connection (or just inviting your friends back to your house for a good old drink). But that is where magic happens… when the party is over and you go back with a close group of mates and share the stories and share the laughter. That is the true magic of life.
My parents instilled that in us, nurture your friendships and make sure you host bloody good parties so they keep coming back so that we keep connecting. Connection is what gives life so much purpose, and I think I could handle being single for the rest of my life as long as I have somewhere to return to at the end of night, to share stories, laughter and form some beautiful friendships.
It’s simple really isn’t it? Be kind, be generous and be there for people when they need them. I’m talking about really being there, listening… not superficial shit. I mean getting into the arena with people, feeling their joy, their pain and being there right by their side. There is obviously the caution of setting boundaries, but I don’t really need to do that with my true friends because they never push those boundaries.
It is knowing the difference between those who make grand gestures, and those that are full of actions. The truest words ever spoken were:
‘We are not what we think, or what we say, or how we feel. We are what we do.’
I guess I am sitting in a spa pool of my thoughts, my words and my feelings; and at some point I need to work out what to do. I have most certainly never been one to say something, and go back on it. My word has always been my actions. Which is why I always tell people what I want to do as it makes it happen. So I guess today I am being incredibly vulnerable and I am saying for the first time in a very long time I have no clarity, and I feel like all I am is my thoughts, my words and my feelings. I am trying not to get too wrapped up in that, and I am choosing to instead be very grateful for my friends, for my two passports, the extraordinary experiences I’ve had while I’ve been home and the wonderful choice I have over my future.