There seems to be a lot of dating experts out there these days doesn’t there? A lot of people telling us how we can be more attractive, how we can be more flirtatious and how we can be more interesting. They like to tell us what we are lacking to be successful in dating. Essentially all dating experts are telling us is ‘how to fit in’, ‘how to manipulate’ and ‘how to play games.’ It is marketing 101, make it sound like someone needs the product you have… that is a pretty evil basis for giving dating advice.
I am not a dating expert, and yet some of you will send me messages thanking me for my words of wisdom. What qualifications do I have? My bio would read something like:
‘Tragic singleton who has been dating on and off for 5 years. Not one significant relationship to speak of over that 5 year period. Managed to fall into an 11 year relationship through a complete lack of self-worth and seeing myself as unlovable. We met, moved in with each other within 5 minutes and 11 years later realised we were two lovely people that had forced ourselves into each others lives as we were more in love with the idea of love than actually being respectfully in it.’
Essentially you are taking advice from someone constantly learning from their mistakes. However, one thing I have always known is that game playing, manipulation and pretending to be someone you are not – are not ways to build a loving, caring and respectful relationship. We all eat up Brené Browns advice of belonging, yet when it comes to dating a lot of us are in ‘fitting in’ mode, holding back crucial information about ourselves in the hope to attract someone in. This is how you attract exactly the wrong people. This psychology is the sort of thing that makes us think there are parts of us unworthy of love – we are all magically imperfect and some people will love our imperfections and others will not. It’s a harsh reality of life, but I would rather be imperfectly me and the right person will fall head over heels for my imperfections.
Always take your time replying to messages to ‘keep them keen’
That’s right, wait at least three days before replying so that the person you are attracted to is left on the edge of their seat waiting for the trickles of any form of attention you will give them. Let’s think about what we are actually doing here…
Make someone unnerved as to whether you actually like them or not so they get a hit of dopamine by the time you ‘get around to replying’. Play to someone’s insecurities in dating so they feel relieved by the time you reply. Make someone feel completely insignificant and that you have better priorities in life, therefore when you finally reply you make them feel like they are suddenly important.
This is exactly how you should treat someone you like and respect. Exactly the way you should start forming a long-lasting relationship. PS this paragraph is laced with the utmost sarcasm.
When someone is messing you around stop replying to get them to like you
The number of times I see dating advice experts tell you this. It’s how they get you to keep subscribing. The sentence should actually read ‘if someone is dicking you around stop replying and never speak to them again. Full stop.’ You don’t gameplay or try to ‘manipulate’ them into liking you, you simply walk away. They are treating you with a poor level of respect and if they do this early doors, then it is only going to get worse. The last thing you should want to do, even if your hormones are raging to be near that person, is entertain any form of relationship with them. They are not worthy of your time, your affection or your attention.
Top tricks to make them keep wanting more on a date
Tilting your head to the side to expose a bit of your neck, ask lots of questions, don’t talk too much, lean into them… essentially do a load of unnatural things to draw someone in… how about you rock up to a date, be you and the right person will be absolutely buzzing to see you again.
Do A, B and C to attract people to you
Sure this works, if you want to just have any old person on your arm to make you look ‘coupled’ and pass a bit of time with. If you want to fit societal norms and be seen as ‘worthy’ because you have a significant other, then do all the tricks. But I’d rather be with someone that finds my warped humour, refusal to grow up balanced with a strong sense of who I am so attractive that they are aching to hang out with me. Which to be fair, I win 50% of that battle by being gay, because only the strong women out there are not afraid to be seen out in public with another woman they are proudly dating.
Date as many people as possible to really work out what you want
Yep, just date loads of people to see which one you like the best rather than trying to get to know one person well enough to know if it’ll work. The problem with society now is that we think there is always something better, the grass is greener, now we have this – we want that. We are a society built on having what we can’t have. We have junk values and therefore we rarely take the time to stop and be grateful for what we have. We have stopped remembering that we are on this planet for a short time, therefore we should be investing our time in the people that matter the most… going on 6 dates a week with random strangers to find the ‘best possible person’ is not my style. Doing the activities I enjoy and meeting people similar to me is how I meet my match. It’s funny that since I apply this to my life that I am attracted more to someone’s sense of humour, their caring nature, their values and their sense of fun more than ‘how they look’ or ‘how they make me look.’
The qualifications needed to be a dating expert are things like – used car salesperson, marketer, master manipulator, or someone looking to make money out of taking advantage of someone while they are feeling their most vulnerable.
We should stop looking up how to ‘trick’, ‘manipulate’, and ‘play games’ and instead think – how can I treat someone with respect and how can I behave in a way that reflects exactly the sort of person I want to be with. Want someone driven? Be driven yourself. Want someone to travel with? Do lots of travelling. Want someone to eat nice food with? Eat lots of nice food. Essentially do all the things you enjoy and by doing those things you will meet the right person. Don’t try to be someone you are not to impress someone, or try to be the person you think they want… Be you. Don’t be impatient, so what if you’re single for 5 years… 10 years… the wait will be worth it.