Sometimes I am not sure what I believe in. I think the older you get, the more cynical you become and the less you believe in magic. I remember a time where I believed in soul mates and the fateful meeting of two energies, and sometimes I want to believe that magic still exists. I need to believe that the fairy-tale exists. I need to believe that the magic exists so I can comprehend why you entered my life.
I am sure friends get frustrated with my endless talk about feelings and my over analytical nature of my human interactions. Humans fascinate me on every level: why do we bond so well with certain people? Why do we have a dislike for others? Have we not got to know them well enough? Or do the people we like, we like purely because we have a superficial connection?
Is there a chemical reaction that happens and sometimes it is not what is being said but something we cannot see? Is it energies merging or is it two souls that have combined forces and you cannot resist the impetus? It’s like your energy pulling together like magnets to eventuate a series of annoying life coincidences where your lives crash together again and again.
I have to believe there is something bigger at play. I can’t put my finger on it exactly, but I remember clearly the moment I saw you. I felt there was disappointment in your eyes when you saw me, I couldn’t make sense of it at the time and I assumed that my pictures didn’t live up to the real life specimen in front of you. It was the first time I hadn’t been kissed hello on a date and I felt a jolt, firstly fear that you wanted to turn around and leave, then a sense of familiarity that was unwelcome at the time.
Where did time go? One minute there was laughter, then discussion, a sharing of life history, more laughter and a level of comfort. I wasn’t expecting it, I was scared by it and I didn’t know what to do with the vitality. I knew you didn’t want this and I wanted not to feel anything, but I did. I willed myself to turn off all my emotions as this wasn’t on my plan, this was supposed to be a superficial moment of fun. That unwelcome familiarity because I knew this was the wrong time and I’d already had my fair share of bad timing in life. I should have walked away.
It’s funny how people will always make the romantic into the fool, ‘oh look at her, there she is with her head in the clouds and she will lose all sense of reason.’ Yes, I probably will, because for me the loss of reason stems from no longer wanting to put your wants and desires first. There is someone that you want to put first, someone that you want the very best for in life and your needs, your emotions, take second place and you believe this person, the focus of your romantic attention, is worth it.
Then I think, is this just a superficial connection? I am scientific in my thinking; I know a series of chemical reactions happen in the body when we see someone attractive to motivate us into procreating. It is for the survival of our species that we get these endorphin rushes and a surge of hormones coursing through our body. However, if this was the case then I should be able to turn it off or reason with the logic of my attraction. Ordinarily I can.
Your eyes were the palest aqua blue and the darkness of your pupils almost accentuated your gaze when it met mine. They seemed to see the real me, I could see flickers of anxiety, attraction, passion and care… but mostly I sensed trepidation in the opaque center of your eyes. I could sense when the relaxation washed over you and you allowed yourself to sink into what could be, and I could feel it when the guards came in and the walls were reconstructed. I often questioned why, but I never verbalised. This could quite possibly be the best thing that had happened to either of us in our lifetimes so far, I wanted to feel it, but you did not.
I don’t have a crystal ball and I do not know if what I am assuming is correct, but something in my gut told me it was worth exploring and that there was potential for magic.
I tried to walk away and revert back to my original plan. I went back to fun, to superficial connections and physical biological reactions that would ignite and extinguish as quickly as the spark formed. I realised that despite not feeling ready, that I probably was because I would not have felt something so right when I met you. I wasn’t getting satisfaction from the fun and it felt meaningless, everything was lacking meaning because it wasn’t you.
Life coincidences then kick in; coincidences that make you look to the sky and question why. It must be a cruel universe trick, maybe I am supposed to learn something from this; maybe I am supposed to learn to walk away from connections that are not meant for me. But there was something so wonderful about you, there is something that will never be the same without you in my life and something that I will always miss.
I know logically life goes on, and I will meet someone else. How clinical does that sound? I refuse to believe that someone else will just replace, that is impossible. I know I should let go, but how can you let go of something you think about every day? Then again, why am I wasting so much energy thinking about someone who acts as though I am easy to forget, who allows me to go to sleep every night wondering if I matter?
Maybe I am a romantic fool, because there is no sensiblity to this. My sense of reason says that if you cared, well, then you would show it. You wouldn’t tell me, you would show me that you can’t get through a day without thinking about me too and you wouldn’t have hurt me as flippantly as you have. But I understand why, because I feel it and I sense it. This is a romantic notion while there are bigger life events at play, and romance is a gift to be enjoyed, a dream that can come true but if it is taken away can cut through your soul and shatter your equanimity. There is so much to gain, but so much more to lose.
And life goes on, right? You just keep making steps in the direction you want to go, you put up your sails and you let the wind take you to your next destination. Yet my sails seem to be catching the breeze right back to you. Do you not question this too? Why do you keep coming back to my doorstep? Why are you here and why can I not tell you to leave? I am paralysed, my feet welded to the floor and my mouth is unable to open.
Your eyes are filled with anxiety, attraction, passion and care… it is still all there. I see it. The tragic element is the anxiety, the trepidation and the self depreciating sense that you do not deserve to feel something so complete and so life affirming. The anxiety in your eyes is exactly why I will ask you to leave. I don’t worry about you feeling scared; I’m scared… but it shouldn’t make you feel so uncomfortable. You should have an overwhelming desire to make me as happy as I would make you. You should want me to see you at your worst and know I will be by your side, never ahead of you, never better than you, never worse than you, never behind you… always by your side.
The best things that happen to you in your lifetime should scare you, that is how you know you are doing the right thing because you have so much to gain but everything to lose. Nobody can make the decision to embrace this apart from you. You are the master of your own destiny, and this is why I need you to leave because I cannot feel what could be and have you resist it, and I am not going to convince you that this could be the fairy-tale. You either see it or you don’t, but please don’t ask me to remain the understudy while knowing full well I have the potential to be the deuteragonist.