I’ve pretty much been indoors for a couple of weeks now. I’ve not gone as insane as I initially thought, however, my skin now really is reflecting the sun. It appears almost translucent and so the thought crossed my mind about whether I was now turning full vampire. I had to psyche myself up before putting out the recycling today, I worried when I opened the door that I would burst into flames. I should really stop binge watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer as it is contributing to my theory. However this is really a dream come true because I’ve always wanted to be a vampire… although without all the grotesque killing and stuff… more like Angel, you know, a good Vampire (not Edward – he’s not as cool as Angel).
Things I now believe.
- As stated above. I am now 75% vampire.
- The Coronavirus was sent from the environment as a big ‘Fuck you’ to humans to stay in and stop messing it all up.
- My relationship status is now married and polyamorous. My sexuality has evolved to bisexual. My wife Jennifer Beals, my girlfriend Eliza Dushku, my other girlfriend Jennifer Anderson and my boyfriend David Boreanaz have no idea they are in relationships with me, but I am sure when this is all over they will respond to my 872 messages.
- This house party app that sprang from nowhere is part of a conspiracy theory to steal all our data (in other news everyone is stealing our data).
- When this is all over I will be able to play the guitar like Slash.
- I will soon be a published author, as this week I will be stalking all publishers until someone gives in and prints my work on paper.
- The only reason my crush is not turning up on my doorstep with pasta, toilet paper and a declaration of their undying love, is because they are respecting the social distancing rules.
- My front room is now a concert venue and my neighbours have soundproofed walls.
- The numbness in my fingers is due to Coronavirus (even though it is not listed in the symptoms) and not due to trying to apply the right pressure to the strings on my guitar.
- I will come out of this confinement enlightened, a domesticated goddess, and super intelligent.
- Reality check: I will come out of this confinement an alcoholic, 5 stone heavier, and with an unhealthy obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
- Americans will come to their senses and impeach Donald Trump who has single handedly contributed to the escalation of the virus across the States! This is what happens when you place wealth above humanity.
- A sports bra is an essential accessory for coronavirus house cleaning.
- I will be a better human once out of coronavirus isolation and physically connect more often.