Sometimes I am more honest with myself here on this forum than I am in real life. Actually, my friend Emmy can probably attest that she has heard most of what I am about to write before. She helps me process my thoughts in so many ways, we both are told by society that we feel too much. Both get called out for our uncanny, and almost psychic view on how things will turn out. Mainly because we both care about other people, their motivations, their loves and helping people – not to be better people – but helping people live authentically and being proud of who they are.
I try to encourage people to not hold back pieces of who they are. To really think about who they are and live according to that. If you do something that makes you feel anxious, or you feel uncomfortable – you are not living true to yourself. If you hold back pieces of who you are then the people you are with like the person they think you are – you are fitting in to win attention/friendship/relationships. You are living scared that people will go running when they find out who you are.
They won’t go running. There might be some people that do, but when they hear your truth, if they reject you for who you are, then those people are not your people. It’s living bravely to live like that. What you end up with is people around you who truly love you for you, who are your biggest supporters and who respect your boundaries. Watch your life get happier when you do that.
I guess the phrase of ‘let something go and if it’s meant to be it will come back’ – is true to living authentically. You risk letting go of relationships, but the ‘real’ ones stay.
That’s not to say that sometimes you have to put in boundaries. Boundaries aren’t easy and that is why I am in a lot of pain today. I have forgotten how much a ‘mental’ pain can physically hurt sometimes. I feel sick, because I have risked losing someone and I can’t explain what that potential loss is doing to me – because I know I have let go of something very special. And I hurt for so many reasons.
It hurts a thousand times more when that person respects your boundaries, thus exemplifying exactly why you thought they were an awesome person in the first place… essentially they can’t win – by being a lovely human it still hurts because then you wish you could be a bigger person and just ‘handle’ what you feel. My head is full of contradictions, because life doesn’t come with a manual and I am literally winging it. However, I am no longer living by my head and I am living with my heart.
So I let go. I let go and it should be easier with a world we are isolated in… but it’s not. How can you miss someone that you are ‘cut off’ from anyway? That’s when you know you feel something very special, but if it the other person lacks awareness of what they feel and think, you respectfully walk away to protect your own heart. And that’s hard, no one ever said this stuff was easy – which is why it is called courage. As Brené Brown pointed out, the very etymology of the word courage doesn’t stem from battle… but by living from your heart. While mine is silently weeping in the confines of my home, I know in the long term it’ll be ok, and I have complete confidence in my intuition. While it hurts to not have something I completely and utterly deserve, I know this is an important part of my growth journey – and I hope it will be an important part of theirs.